Carol Schulte

Get your /BRĀV/ on

Personal Development

Wanna get upgraded or get sat next to your Prince Charming? 3 ways to make it happen!

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Happy Friday!

People are fascinating. They really are. 

I don’t know about you, but I love meeting people, and I love hearing their stories.

I’ve been known to be that person who gets into deep and meaningfuls with strangers I meet on the street, or to have exchanged full life stories with folks before getting off of our elevator ride together. 

Perhaps it’s a little weird I used to give my fave gas station dudes Christmas cards, or I know all of my local Starbucks baristas by name as well as their life goals, but it really does make life more interesting!

Do you remember the last time you were on a first date?

It may have been a while, but chances are you were pretty curious about other person. You were interested, engaged, and you wanted to also be interesting and engaging at the same time. You asked questions, you listened. 

When was the last time you took that approach to someone in your life or someone you just met? 

So I was about to board a flight to Buenos Aires – which is a darn long flight – and hadn’t been assigned a seat yet. I really wanted my usual window, so I waited patiently in the customer assistance line, and made sure I smiled big when I got to the front. I forget what this particular woman’s name was now, but I noted it on her name tag and was sure to call her by it as I said hello. 

No doubt those poor customer service reps get yelled and screamed at on a regular basis, and I always try to show a little empathy and appreciation. 

I shared with her my predicament, and was really hoping to avoid being stuck in a middle seat. 

She was very friendly as she checked her system, and we ended up talking a little about life and what brought her there and both the perks and challenges of her job. 

Eager to help, she found two great seat selections; one window and one aisle more up front, and was going to upgrade me to extra leg room! Score!

Me, always a bit indecisive, jokingly said, ‘which one do you feel has a better chance of finding my prince charming next to me?’ Hoping to get a laugh. 

She did chuckle, and then responded with: ‘Well I’m not sure, but why don’t I look into which one has at least a single male traveller next to you!’ 

‘You can do that?!? Fun!’ I responded. 

And she did, and suggested I sit in I believe 16J if my memory serves my correctly! And that’s where I sat. And while he didn’t end up being my Prince Charming – he was very cute and sadly for me gay – he was a really nice guy, who drove me to my place, who I actually became friends with, and who I met up with a few times to show me all around Buenos Aires!

You just never know.

I wrote that nice woman at the customer service desk a thank you card and gave her a $5 Starbucks gift certificate before my flight took off. It was a few years ago now, but I still think back and smile on that exchange. And I bet you she remembers it, too. 

A short and fleeting, yet meaningful connection. It didn’t take much. And it grows from there.

Loneliness is becoming an epidemic. According to The General Social Survey the number of Americans with no close friends has tripled since 1985, and the majority of people chose ‘zero’ for the number of confidants.

And yet we humans are social creatures! We need one another, we learn from one another, and we often benefit from experiencing one another’s energy. We long for authentic connection. And it all stems from a hello and for caring about those you meet. 

People and relationships really are what make the world go around. 

“People will forget what you say, they will forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

Who are you being with the people in your life? Both those you’ve known for decades as well as those you are meeting for the first time? Are you curious about learning more? Are you present with them, are you listening to them? Asking about their story? Caring? Truly connecting?

Here are 3 easy ways you can build instant, lasting, and meaningful connection. 

1. Be the first 

Be the first to say hello, to ask for someone’s name, to offer a handshake, a compliment, or a helping hand. Don’t wait for someone to invite you. Let it start with you!

2. Get Curious 

Treat the people you meet as though you are on a first date. Be interested, interesting, engaged, and engaging. It will make every interaction that much more enjoyable!

3. Open Up, if just a little 

Don’t be afraid to get a little vulnerable. If you’re willing to self-disclose a little bit about yourself and your story, chances are they will also open about about theirs. And that is where real connection grows!

So this week I challenge you to be brave enough to meet some new people, make some new connections, and share some stories. I have a feeling all spirits will be lifted!

Have a FAB week!

Stop pleasing the teacher!

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Happy Friday!

On Monday morning, my alarm went off at 4:45am. 

Now I enjoy mornings, but I wouldn’t really call myself a morning person per say. And while I have quite a few friends and colleagues who are a part of the 5am club, I am not one of them!

But I got up at that time because I’ve signed up for swim training again. And, well, it begins at 5:55am. And seeing as how the pool is about 40 minutes away, I was already cutting it close. 

On the way there, I was feeling a tad anxious. 

So I tried to ask myself where it was coming from. 

Part of it was due to the fact it had been a long time since I’d been in the pool…

But another part of it, as embarrassing as it is to admit, was me feeling worried about what the coach thinks of me! Because I was off for a large part of last season due to breaking my foot, and because I missed our first session last week, I kinda have this belief she thinks I’m not dedicated enough, not good enough, or she simply doesn’t like me!

I’m a grown woman, and I am still worried about pleasing the teacher!

Indeed it’s a bit ridiculous. 

Growing up, I was a bit of a people pleaser. And although I’ve come a long way, I still do certain things in an effort to make others happy. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with that, mind you. I mean, it’s nice to be nice to people. We all like nice people. And I do try my best to be a nice person. But there is a difference between wanting to be nice, and needing to please. 

Now people-pleasing, as I’ve shared before, is one of the Big Bravery Killers. 

And it’s one of the things that can prevent us from doing what we truly want to be doing, and what we’re truly meant to be doing with our lives. 

We like gaining approval, recognition, validation. We like being liked. 

But sometimes, we can go to great lengths to please others. And to our detriment. 

I’m sure you can think of a time you said yes to something or someone, when perhaps you should have said no. And every time you do that, you are then saying no to something, or someone else. And all too often that is you. 

Yes, it’s about creating strict boundaries, honouring your limits and taking care of you.

But more that that, it’s about pleasing YOU, above all. 

In the famous article, Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which I’ve expanded upon in a past blog, Bronnie Ware shares what she discovered over the years through her work in palliative care. The number one regret of the dying is wishing they had had the courage to live a life true to themselves, instead of a life others expected of them. 

And if we’re going to live a life that is truly true to who we are, we may have to do a little less pleasing of others, and a little more pleasing of ourselves. 

Now perhaps it’s worth examining the motivation behind this pleasing.

Why are we wanting to please? To make others happy, or ourselves happy? Are we doing things we don’t even really want to be doing sometimes merely to please? And are we ever going to be truly happy if we are only ever doing things thinking and hoping they will please? 

Maybe we need to focus less on pleasing, and more on serving. 

And I think there is a distinction that needs to be made between the two. 

  • Pleasing others may elicit actions we don’t actually want to do. Serving others more often elicits actions from a genuine want to do so.
  • Pleasing others elicits actions motivated by a desired outcome. Serving others elicits actions motivated by a desired behavior.
  • Pleasing others may not stem from us being our most authentic selves. Serving others requires us to be our most authentic selves. 
  • Pleasing others may not necessarily leave us, or others, feeling empowered. Serving others is all about empowerment.
  • Pleasing others may lead to exhaustion, burn-out, failure. Serving others is invigorating, energizing, inspiring.

Perhaps it’s time to switch the narrative… perhaps it’s time to trump service over pleasing. 

Because so long as we are looking for others’ approval or validation, we will never get it. Whereas if we are truly operating from a place of service, we’ll likely be operating from our most powerful, authentic, bravest selves. And moreover, wanting to serve means we’re dedicated to making a difference… both with the people around us, as well as in the world. 

Perhaps it’s time to re-think. Life is short. Better to spend energy and time with those that already get you, like you, love you. 

Maybe I’m going to have to be okay with the fact my swim coach may not like me. I think I’ll survive. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on those who get me, and those who I want to serve in my life, instead of those I want to please.

So it’s time to get honest. 

Is there a ‘teacher’ in your life that you are trying to please? Perhaps it’s a boss, a parent, a colleague, a sibling, a friend. Are you trying to get them to see you? To give you their approval? To offer validation?  

I want to hear from you in the comments below!

 

It’s None Of Your Business!

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Happy Friday!

It’s true, it’s none of your business. 

Not everything of course, but only your business is your business. It’s not everyone else’s business, nor is anyone else’s business your business. 

Allow me to expand. 

So my most recent video was picked up by Power of Positivity and went ‘viral’ – whatever that means. (Well, I guess it means it’s been seen by a lot of people, almost 600,000 so far, and getting lots of shares and comments.) 

Now, many of the messages coming in are lovely. And I have to say after sharing my story pretty darn vulnerably, and then disclosing a few items on my own ‘If I Were Braver…’ list and being very nervous about it to boot, it’s good to know the talk is inspiring others to also be braver. 

And then there are some of the messages that are not so nice.

One of the most recent read: “Wow, she looks a lot older than that, life must’ve been rough on her!” (after I admit in the talk being worried about being single at my age and still wanting to find my match and have babies… so not really what I needed to hear!) 

Now luckily, it only made me laugh when I read it, however nasty comments don’t always float off my back so easily.

And for whatever reason, our human brain is wired to focus on the negative, even if it’s one small negative comment to way more positive!

Why is that?!?

In his best-selling book ‘The Four Agreements’ (great read, by the way…) Don Miguel Ruiz proposes four beneficial agreements that if made for yourself, will have a significant and positive impact on your overall state of well-being. 

While expanding on argument two, ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally,’ he goes on to say what other people think of you is simply none of your business.

And he’s right!

Often easier said than done, of course. 

Yet this is exactly what causes us so much pain!

This week I was listening to an interview with Oprah and Byron Katie, who is the author of a book and philosophy called ‘The Work.’ And one of the topics they were discussing, which really resonated with me at the time, was this whole idea of whose business is whose anyway. 

Katie talks about the three kinds of ‘business’ that exist:

  1. Your business
  2. Other people’s business
  3. God’s business (or the Universe, or a higher power, or whatever you believe…)

She goes on to say your own business is a full time job! And there is no room, and no need, to get into anyone else’s business. And God – is doing what they need to do, and it’s out of your control. 

The idea is that if we only concern ourselves with our own business, we can control what we can control, and change what is no longer working for us. 

All too often the problem lies in wanting to change something that is out of our control. And that is what causes suffering. Yet, we’re bringing it on ourselves.

So, it’s time to stop it!

Here’s the situation that immediately came up for me. 

Sometimes I can be pretty hard on my Dad. 

I want him to eat healthier, be a bit more active, and have commented on more than one occasion on some of his habits. 

It always comes from a place of love, of course, because selfishly I want him around for a long time to come! However, it’s not my job to tell him what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Moreover, whenever I do pipe in, we all lose. He gets frustrated, I get frustrated, and nothing changes anyhow!

And then it dawned on me. 

The choices my Dad makes for himself are simply none of my business!

And suddenly, I felt a wave of relief come over me. 

It’s true, simply taking care of our own business is hard enough! So I am going to stick to that ~ do the best I can to be the best version of me for me ~ and then not worry about anyone else. (Well, at least not too much, anyway!)

I mean, let’s be honest, I’m human and so are you – so it may be a tad more difficult to simply stop caring all together. But perhaps we can start by caring just a little bit less. 

Stop caring about what other people think of you, because it’s actually none of your business. 

And stop trying to change the behaviours of others around you, as again it’s none of your business.

Imagine how freeing it would be to stop caring so much!

So this week, I dare you to get your brāv on, and start caring a whole lot less. 

Let me know in the comments below, one area of your life, or one person in your life, you are going to apply this idea to! I can’t wait to hear all about it. 

Have a FAB week!

You’re not too old. And it’s not too late.

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“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

~ Chinese Proverb

When I was younger, like, I’m talking Carol in her very early teens, I realised I loved musical theatre. The problem was, I wasn’t a dancer. And I wanted to learn.

My immediate thought: I’m too old to start now!

And so I didn’t.

The following year, the feeling came back… I mean I really wanted to pursue musical theatre and I really wanted to learn how to dance.

My next immediate thought: “But I’m too old to start now!”

And so I didn’t.

And so it continued for a few years… until I just couldn’t take it anymore. 

I found myself at theatre camp, where I was having such an incredible time, I ended up staying for an extra two weeks. To do an intense dance camp. Yup, I finally started. 

At that point, it was the Summer before going into my junior year of high school! (Oh man, and to think I thought I was ‘old’ back then?!? Hilarious…)

And you know what, I LOVED it!

So when I got back to school, I decided to actually continue and enrol in dance classes. But not just one class, no no no ~ I was told if I really wanted to get serious about dancing, I needed to study all forms. 

So I signed up for ballet, jazz, modern, and tap. 

Almost every night of the week I was in dance class. 

Picture a 17-year old Carol, awkward enough as it was, in beginner ballet class where I was double the height and twice the size of these pre pubescent little girls, wearing a mandatory pink leotard and white tights. (And you should have seen the shiny bright turquoise unitard number that I had to wear for modern class! My roommate would literally roll around on the ground in hysterics every time I put that thing on!)

I digress.

So there I was one day in ballet class, and I was told I needed to work on my turn out. 

Now being the ever keener and people pleaser I was, I became obsessed with impressing the teacher and earning her affection through what I decided would become an incredible turnout. 

So during one of my next grand pliés, I turned out so much that while my thighs turned outwards, my knee popped inwards. 

Yup, I had popped my patella right out of place. 

I basically fell to the floor, but not wanting to appear weak in front of all the much younger girls I held back the tears as best I could and got back in position.

And then it popped out again. 

Perhaps I wasn’t cut out to be a dancer after all. 

I never went back to ballet class, and not long after that I gave up all of my dance classes altogether. 

Just as well, as it would have been ridiculously embarrassing to be in the recital with girls half my age and half my size dancing circles around me!

Or, perhaps it would have been ridiculously brave of me to stick to it. 

In any event, my dancing career ended before it ever began. 

Until it started again. 

You see, I did eventually get back to dancing, as I ended up pursuing theatre in university, which meant there were lots of dance classes. Now I was never going to be a Radio City Rockette (although how cool would that have been!), and remained scarred from that terrible experience in ballet class for quite a while mind you, but eventually I connected to the joy of what it felt like when I first explored dance. 

And I will have you know, after all these years away from it, I just signed up for a new 10-week dance program (for people my age thank goodness!) starting next month, including a mandatory recital!

So, what’s the moral of the story?

Never enrol in dance classes with children half your age and size if you actually want to stick to it! 

Just kidding. 

The moral of the story is you are never too old and it is never too late to start something you’ve always wanted to do. 

Be it dance classes, cooking, a new language, a new sport, writing, speaking, etc… 

And if ‘too old’ has never been your thing, get honest with yourself about what your driving excuse is. 

Which of the following are you saying to yourself?

I’m too old. I’m too young. I’m too busy. I’m too in debt. I’m too disorganised I’m too out of shape.  I’m too _____ …

Name your poison.

And then STOP IT already!!!

The more you say it, the more real it becomes. 
And the truth is, it is NOT the truth!

Besides, it will never be the perfect time, and you will never be any younger than you are today. And it’s only going to get harder the more you put it off!

And if you really want something, that desire is never going to go away. 

So, it’s time to identify:

  1. What it is you REALLY want?
  2. Which of these lies have you been telling yourself?
  3. What is the first next step you can take to start making it happen?

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

Chinese Proverb

I challenge you to get your brāv on and answer these three questions in the comments below. I look forward to hearing from you!

AND MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!! There are two exciting LIVE EVENTS coming up for all of you in the Toronto area!

1. Sept. 19th~ LinkedIN Local Meetup– How to be BRĀV through career transitions 

2. Sept. 26th~ ‘Get Your BRĀV On!’Lunch and learn for female leaders at The Verity Club!

I hope to see you there!

Have a FAB week!

Because I am brave…

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Happy Friday!

Well, it turns out I’m not the only one who wants to be braver!

Thank you for your thoughts and comments and answers to last week’s blog, ’If I Were Braver…’ 

I think we’re onto something here, folks!

I did this exercise earlier today with a leadership group within the Nanaimo Ladysmith District School Board, where I am now (such a great group and such a beautiful part of the world!)

It made for some very powerful conversation, and some even more powerful brave action commitments!

And you know what I’m learning?

It’s not a one and done kinda thing.

It’s a practice. 

It’s contagious. 

And so even though I shared my very own ‘If I Were Braver…’ list from the stage last week, speaking live in front of a group is one thing. Sharing the video online is quite another!

But because I am brave, I did it. 

I posted it for all the world to see on social media, and the response has been overwhelming. 

And so I am going to continue to get my brāv on and share it with you now. (EEK!)

Here is a mini excerpt to peak your attention:

‘What if courage isn’t an act of doing, but an act of being?

Of being brave enough to take on our lives. To declare what it is we really want, even if we’re terrified it may never happen. 

Of being brave enough to be you, and brave enough to be me. With all of our flaws, fears, and foibles. And in a world that desperately wants us to be someone else…’

Here’s what else I’m learning.

Fear ‘aint going anywhere any time soon. 

Yet if we continue to give into it, neither are we. 

The way I see it, we have two choices. 

Stay where we are, stay comfortable, and stay safe – OR – be willing to take that first step, to be uncomfortable, to be brave IN SPITE OF our fear.

If you were braver, what would you do that you’re not already doing? And who would you be that you’re not already being?

Go ahead, I DARE you. 

For those of you who already took a step of brave action last week, WAY TO GO! What did you do? And what happened as a result?

And for those of you who are still in Dr. Suess’s ‘Waiting Place,’ ~ what are you waiting for?!? It’s not too late to re-commit and start again.

Be BRĀV enough to share your comments below!

Have a FAB week!!!

P.S. Our next cohort of Brāv Leader program begins on Oct. 15th! 

If you’re interested in learning more about this powerful 6-month transformational development program, let’s hop on the phone! 

I didn’t win. And I’m still alive!

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I like winning. 

I mean, who doesn’t, right?!?

But maybe it’s not always all about winning. Maybe it’s about doing the thing. Period. 

That was certainly the case and the lesson I needed to learn this week. 

And that thing I am referring to, was the fact I competed in an event called Speaker Slam. 

Now I love speaking. Speaking is my profession, and I take it very seriously. But I have never spoken to compete (well, unless you count reciting poetry for our annual middle school competition!) 

So, when I was first asked to participate at Speaker Slam – an event sharing inspirational stories around a monthly theme – as a competition – I was somewhat reluctant. 

I think the organisers are fab, as is the community they have built. It’s extremely supportive. However, I had been a judge for this event a few times, including at Grand Slam (the annual event that brings in all monthly winners to compete on a massive stage with at least 500 in the audience…) and wasn’t sure how it would feel to be on the other side. And besides, I am already lucky enough to speak for a living… what did I have to prove?!?

But here’s the thing… I’ve kinda been trying to prove myself in some ways most of my life. 

And the truth is, the real reason I was hesitating was because I was scared. 

I was scared to compete, and to be honest I was scare to lose. 

And that moment I got honest with myself as to the real reason I was saying no, was the moment I knew I had to say yes. 

If I wanna practice what I preach, I have to get my own brāv on and do the thing that scares me!

And so that’s what I did. 

I said yes to speaking and competing. 

And I am so grateful I did. Because Tuesday night something magical happened. 

I didn’t win!

Now I know what you’re thinking… ‘WHAT?!? You’re celebrating the fact you DIDN’T win?!?’

Well, sorta. 

Allow me to expand.

In all honesty, I told myself before the event it really wasn’t about winning. Because the goal was to say yes in the first place, and then honour the theme of courage, and be brave enough to be more real and vulnerable than I ever have been in a talk.

And I did, and I was. 

So no, I wasn’t actually as disappointed as I thought I would be! (until the next day, when between you and me, I found out I went overtime which is what prevented me from getting a place on the podium! So now I’m only mildly upset with myself for talking too much… I knew I was cutting it close in rehearsal!)

In any event, it unfolded exactly as it was supposed to. 

‘If I Were Braver’ ... 

This is a phrase I often ask audiences and the people I work with to complete. 

Yet I wasn’t doing it myself. 

And so, a few months ago I created my very own ‘If I Were Braver’ list… and have slowly been making my way down the list ever since. I shared some of these items from the stage. (If you’re curious, you may just have to wait for my video to come out ~ let’s hope I’m brave enough to share it with you at that point!) 

The feedback I’ve received made the vulnerability hangover, as Brené Brown would call it, totally worthwhile.

So many folks came up to me after my talk, or have messaged me since, saying how much it moved them. There were lots of tears, lots of people saying the story resonated with them, and even more exciting lots of brave stories being shared in return. 

Being brave has nothing to do with getting it right or wrong, succeeding or failing, winning or losing.

We need to stop trying to get things right, stop trying to be perfect, stop living in a binary world. 

Being brave is about doing the thing in the first place. Regardless of the outcome. It’s about the experience. 

So in my mind, it was a big win on Tuesday. And yes, I am celebrating that!

And now, I have an important question for you, and an even more important challenge. 

QUESTION:

If you were braver, what would you do that you aren’t already doing?

CHALLENGE:

Identify the first, small brave step you want to take. And then DO IT! (And then PLEASE tell me about it so I can cheer you on!)

I want to hear from you in the comments below.

AND, some exciting news to share! We are getting ready to launch the next cohort of our Brāv Leader program at the end of September!

If you’re interested in learning more about this powerful 6-month transformational leadership program, let’s hop on the phone!

It’s time to get your brāv on!

And that is all. 

Back to Summer Friday fun!

Have a FAB week!