Carol Schulte

Get your /BRĀV/ on

Carol Schulte

Let’s talk. (How to engage in brave communication, and why it matters.)

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Let’s talk.

You needn’t ask me twice! I love talking, I love telling stories, I love sharing.

It’s no wonder I speak for a living!

But it’s not always about me (promise!) as I love being in conversation even more. And I truly believe there isn’t anything that can’t be solved through communication. 

The problem is, we don’t always communicate as effectively as possible.

Have you ever avoided a difficult discussion for longer than you’d like to admit? Or perhaps you’ve ‘put off’ that conversation until you had more time (which, let’s be honest, never happens!) Ever felt like that person should be able to read your mind, or just doesn’t get it, or get you?

There are a number of reasons we don’t always talk as effectively as we could. And yet here’s the truth:

The quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your communication.

Although a bit of a bold statement, it’s also true. 

How we communicate affects all of our relationships, it impacts how we advance in our work and careers, and it plays an important role in our own sense of joy and fulfilment. 

And while I certainly believe all challenges can be solved through communication, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always easy!

Far from it, actually. 

And yet, the braver we are, the greater the reward. 

This week was full of evidence to prove that. 

On Tuesday evening I attended an event with Women Of Influence that showcased a panel of experts to talk about some pretty important topics: ageism, fertility, and mental health, and how they show up in the workplace. There were some tough truths revealed, and there was certainly some uncomfortable wriggling around in seats!

Over the weekend a very good friend of mine invited me to have an ‘awkward conversation’ about something that had happened and how it made her feel. I was tempted to get defensive even before we began, but instead chose to be open and ready, and made a commitment to listen without judgement. We created a space where we could share honestly and vulnerably with one another, and what transpired was not awkward at all, but instead pretty darn powerful. 

And a few days ago, I got my brave on and shared with a client about the fact I’m going to be freezing my eggs (EEK, just did it again! NOT easy to admit openly!) and because the actual timing of things can’t be predicted in advance, there was a possibility of overlap with a training session previously confirmed. A pretty vulnerable share, and yet she was so appreciative of my willingness to be open, was extremely supportive, and we simply found another date. 

Difficult conversations can be, well, difficult. And yet they are so important.

And we need to get braver with respect to speaking up. With respect to advocating for ourselves, asking for what we need and want, and with respect to those tough, awkward conversations.

Ultimately, we all want to be able to perform at our best, and feel as fulfilled as possible at work and in life. And sometimes that’s going to require you to practice braver communication… in how you use your own voice, and also how to listen to others. Because you are both giving and receiving in any effective conversation. 

Here are some ideas to get your brave on with respect to your communication this week:

 

Ask questions. Be curious. Don’t make assumptions. 

We don’t necessarily know how another person – be it a colleague or a close friend or a family member – is feeling. And making assumptions sets us up for all kinds of miscommunication and misunderstanding. So get in the practice of active listening, and without judgement. 

 

Be honest. Be raw. Be vulnerable.

When you are open and honest about what you’re thinking, feeling, experiencing… it invites the other person in. And it gives them permission to do the same. Be brave enough to be a role model. Be brave enough to be the first. Be brave enough to be real. 

 

Practice more compassion. Exercise more empathy. 

Whatever the discussion, do your best to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to imagine why they may be feeling the way they do, or why they have that perspective. Sometimes that may mean simply providing space for someone to vent. People want to be heard, they want to be acknowledged, and they want to matter. And it’s the greatest gift you can give someone. 

 

We all strive for deeper human connection. And one of the most powerful ways to get there is through our communication. More specifically, through our brave communication. 

So this week, I challenge you to be more curious, more vulnerable, more compassionate. And I challenge you to have a courageous conversation (you know, that one you’ve been putting off for way more than enough time now?!?) with someone you care about. And then I want to hear how it goes in the comments below!

 

Have a FAB week!

P.S. We are now booking speaking engagements and training opportunities into 2020… if you’d like to explore how we could bring this idea of brave communication, or brave leadership to your group or organization, let’s hop on the phone!  

It’s time to be ALL IN.

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So I had this big audition, fresh after graduating from theatre school, to win a coveted spot in the Stratford Festival’s actor-in-training program. Now in case you’re not familiar, The Stratford Festival is one of the most famous theatre festivals in all of Canada. And if you want to perform classical theatre, it is thee theatre company to belong to. Landing a spot in their training school means there’s a pretty good chance you’ll also land a spot on the roster for their upcoming season.

Now I wanted to get in of course, but didn’t really believe I had a chance. And so instead of working really hard for it, I did the opposite. 

It was homecoming weekend, and the night before the audition there was this party. So I convinced myself I would be ‘good,’ only drop in for a little bit, have a drink or two, and then leave early enough I still had the evening to prep for my big audition. I asked my parents to pick me up at either 8 or 9pm, can’t remember now, so I wouldn’t be tempted to stay any later. They very kindly obliged, however at that point I was already a few glasses of wine in. Who’s kidding who, there was no way I was in a place to properly rehearse that night! And I didn’t. I crashed early instead (should have just stayed partying!) In my attempt to do both – both party and prepare – I ended up doing neither.

And yes, if you’re thinking I shouldn’t have left it so last minute in the first place, you’d be right. Procrastination was another pattern I seemed to be pretty good at. Especially when stuff was really important. 

So the next morning arrives and I drive to the big audition. I practice my lines in my head, I wear my Shakespearean skirt, and I sit patiently in the hallway with all of the other hopefuls… all sizing one another up and down. 

My name was finally called, and I take a big breath in as I walk to the centre of the room. I try to ground my feet inside my character shoes on the floor, state my name, and begin my monologue. 

I’m less than two lines in, and it happens. 

The thing all actors dread. 

I freeze. 

I stop mid-sentence, and completely blank on my lines. 

Now if this were a modern piece of text, I may have been able to add lib or fumble my way through at least a few words until I found my way back. With Shakespeare’s poetry and and rhyming iambic pentameter, it’s a little more difficult. 

So I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, until I simply couldn’t bear it any longer, and did what you are NEVER supposed to do in an audition: I broke character, I apologized, and I walked out. 

Yup. For the first (but only!) time in my acting career, I TOTALLY bombed the audition, was completely mortified, and never again attempted Shakespearean theatre.

Now you and I both know the issue wasn’t about the audition at all.

The problem was my mindset and preparation – or lack there of – going into it.

I was clearly not all in!

Being ‘ALL IN’ means you’re going full steam ahead for something. It means you fully believe in something and you’re going all the way. It means you’re willing to sacrifice whatever it takes in order to get what you want or where you want to go. 

When you’re all in on something, your eye is on the prize. There is no room for second guessing. There is no turning back. 

When you’re all in on something, there is no plan B. 

I hate to admit the number of times I’ve been way less than all in on something, in case it didn’t work out. The number of times I’ve self-sabotaged myself. Because if I do give my all, and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be even more disappointed. And I’ll have failed. 

But the truth is, I’m going to be way more disappointed in the long run if I don’t set myself up for my greatest success, if I don’t allow myself to give it all I’ve got, even if I do fail. Because going all in, whether it works out or it doesn’t, is better than half assing it, or even worse never trying at all.

Instead of having your toe dipped halfway in the pool, or too many toes tipped in too many pools, it may be time to go all in on one thing. On something. 

What if it doesn’t work? That’s okay! At least you tried… and failure is a necessary step along the path to success.

And moreover, what if it DOES work?!?

It’s time to go ALL IN. To be all in. 

Not sure what it takes? Here are three steps: 

 

1. COMMIT

I had a total shift in perspective this week, when my amazing mentor shared why he didn’t believe in goals, targets, aims and objectives. At first I was quite disheartened – I love setting goals! – but then he went on to explain so long as we’re only aiming for something, and we fall short, it’s okay. He gave an example of a company who ‘aimed to be ethical.’ I got it. It almost gives you an out, doesn’t it?!? But if you COMMIT to something, it becomes way more powerful. It becomes real. When you’re ready and willing to seriously commit, to put a stake in the ground, by golly you’ll make sure it happens. 

2. PRIORITIZE

If you’re really serious about being all in on something, there are going to be other things that will have to go. You just can’t do it all (at least not all at the same time!) And as my wise theatre school director once said, in her beautiful British accent, “There will ALWAYS be another party!” It’s true. There will always be more parties, more opportunities, more distractions. They’re not going anywhere any time soon, so don’t worry!

3. PERSIST 

One of the dominant themes I’ve been hearing recently from thought leaders and super successful folks, is that if you want something bad enough, you just have to keep going. An overnight success is at least 10 years in the making. So if you REALLY want something – whatever it is – keep at it. Don’t stop, even if it doesn’t work the first, the second, even the tenth try. Heck, the lightbulb took over 10,000 attempts! It’s not about how many times you fall down, it’s about how many times you’re willing to get back up. (yeah, yeah, cliché, but true!) 

 

You’re never going to know what you’re truly capable of until you go all in. 

And it’s time. 

 

This week, I dare you to get your brave on and go all in. On something. One thing. An action, a belief, a desire. And then be prepared to commit, prioritize, and persist. You’ve got this! 

I can’t wait to hear all of your brave commitments in the comments below! I’m cheering you on…

Have a FAB week!

 

What sucking at sexy dancing can teach you.

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SO, it turns out I'm more of a not-so-sexy sexy dancer...

 

Oh man was I uncomfortable!

I mean, that was part of the reason I signed up in the first place, but I kind of forgot just how uncomfortable it feels to feel uncomfortable. 

It was week two in my new Army of Sass dance group (Remember when I shared I was going to sign up for a new dance class, that had a recital after 10 weeks?!? Yeah, that one. I’m not sure what I was thinking!) 

So our fireball of an instructor yells out ‘Groups!’ 

And all of sudden it’s time to showcase not only the new section of choreography we’ve just learned, but the whole number from the top, with music.

She proceeds to count and point ‘1,2,3, 1,2,3…’ while going around the room. I tried as best as possible to avoid eye contact and literally hide in the corner. (Not sure how I thought she would miss me, but I was really hoping she would!)

Turns out she found me… and pointed at me as she said ‘1!’

Just my luck.

I didn’t want to do it at all, and now I’m expected to be in group one?!?

I did not have the steps down.

I was not feeling confident!

And I was certainly not ready to be watched and scrutinised by others… who all seemed to be okay, if not excited for this craziness!

So when she called group one and the ladies began to take their places on the studio floor, I didn’t move. I simply pretended it wasn’t my group.

You’re so smart Carol! You totally dodged a bullet there. Well done. After all, no one would know what group I was in, and I could simply keep sitting in the audience inconspicuously.

Group one went. 

There was clapping and cheering. 

I felt a bit guilty, but better than being uncomfortable!

Then group two was called.

I stayed put. 

They, too, seemed to know what they were doing. 

More clapping and cheering. 

Group three was called. 

I stayed put. 

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t like not being good at something, let alone pretty bad! I don’t love feeling totally uncomfortable, or embarrassed. And this is exactly what I was feeling. So of course I didn’t want to move! Makes sense, right?!?

And then all of a sudden I heard this voice of reason inside of me begin speaking…

Carol, how can you expect to empower others to be braver when you’re not even doing it yourself?

So I got up, found a spot on the floor, and committed to trying my best. 

And I did. 

Did I remember all of the steps? Not even close. 

Did I add in some extra sassy, sexy personality? I wish!

It was no doubt evident all over my face I was concentrating extremely intently, desperately trying to remember what I could of this choreo. And the ability to also make it look sexy and cool and effortless? Yeah, I wasn’t quite there yet.

But what I did do, was my best. 

I showed up. 

And sometimes, that is more than enough. 

And you know what? 

I made it through and I didn’t die! (I may have wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear forever, mind you!) 

And I’m proud I did. 

After all, It’s not about getting the steps right, it’s about showing up on the studio floor in the first place. Just like it’s never about whether you get the raise or promotion or not, it’s about you using your voice to ask for what you want at all.

It’s okay to not be great at something. In fact, that is the only way you are going to learn and grow! And as Carol Dweck says, we all need to adopt the Growth Mindset if we want to achieve new heights and reach our big goals.

It’s uncomfortable to be uncomfortable.

I get it. 

But life isn’t always about being comfortable. Nor is it about being good at everything you do (especially when it’s the first time you’re doing it!) 

Sometimes it’s about trying new things, stretching yourself, and pushing yourself beyond what you thought possible.

Life is about growth. 

And comfort and growth cannot co-exist. 

When was the last time you did something a little out of your comfort zone, stretched yourself a little bit? When was the last time you got a little bit uncomfortable?

This week I challenge you to do just that. 

Here are some ideas:

  • Sign up for a drop-in class or an event of sorts you’ve never done before ~ be it zumba, painting, or pole. 
  • Say yes to taking on a project or an initiative that you want to say no to, for fear of not knowing what you’re doing 
  • Schedule some time in your calendar to face that thing you’ve been avoiding for far too long now
  • Do a brain dump of activities and/or situations that kinda scare you… and then choose one to take on 

I dare you to get your brave on and do something uncomfy this week! And then I want to hear all about in the comments below.

Now I may never be the world’s greatest sexy dancer in heels.

But if I show up at that recital in 8 weeks and I do the dance – even if I don’t get all of the steps right – I’m still growing, and I’m still winning. 

 

Have a FAB week!

Stop pleasing the teacher!

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Happy Friday!

On Monday morning, my alarm went off at 4:45am. 

Now I enjoy mornings, but I wouldn’t really call myself a morning person per say. And while I have quite a few friends and colleagues who are a part of the 5am club, I am not one of them!

But I got up at that time because I’ve signed up for swim training again. And, well, it begins at 5:55am. And seeing as how the pool is about 40 minutes away, I was already cutting it close. 

On the way there, I was feeling a tad anxious. 

So I tried to ask myself where it was coming from. 

Part of it was due to the fact it had been a long time since I’d been in the pool…

But another part of it, as embarrassing as it is to admit, was me feeling worried about what the coach thinks of me! Because I was off for a large part of last season due to breaking my foot, and because I missed our first session last week, I kinda have this belief she thinks I’m not dedicated enough, not good enough, or she simply doesn’t like me!

I’m a grown woman, and I am still worried about pleasing the teacher!

Indeed it’s a bit ridiculous. 

Growing up, I was a bit of a people pleaser. And although I’ve come a long way, I still do certain things in an effort to make others happy. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with that, mind you. I mean, it’s nice to be nice to people. We all like nice people. And I do try my best to be a nice person. But there is a difference between wanting to be nice, and needing to please. 

Now people-pleasing, as I’ve shared before, is one of the Big Bravery Killers. 

And it’s one of the things that can prevent us from doing what we truly want to be doing, and what we’re truly meant to be doing with our lives. 

We like gaining approval, recognition, validation. We like being liked. 

But sometimes, we can go to great lengths to please others. And to our detriment. 

I’m sure you can think of a time you said yes to something or someone, when perhaps you should have said no. And every time you do that, you are then saying no to something, or someone else. And all too often that is you. 

Yes, it’s about creating strict boundaries, honouring your limits and taking care of you.

But more that that, it’s about pleasing YOU, above all. 

In the famous article, Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which I’ve expanded upon in a past blog, Bronnie Ware shares what she discovered over the years through her work in palliative care. The number one regret of the dying is wishing they had had the courage to live a life true to themselves, instead of a life others expected of them. 

And if we’re going to live a life that is truly true to who we are, we may have to do a little less pleasing of others, and a little more pleasing of ourselves. 

Now perhaps it’s worth examining the motivation behind this pleasing.

Why are we wanting to please? To make others happy, or ourselves happy? Are we doing things we don’t even really want to be doing sometimes merely to please? And are we ever going to be truly happy if we are only ever doing things thinking and hoping they will please? 

Maybe we need to focus less on pleasing, and more on serving. 

And I think there is a distinction that needs to be made between the two. 

  • Pleasing others may elicit actions we don’t actually want to do. Serving others more often elicits actions from a genuine want to do so.
  • Pleasing others elicits actions motivated by a desired outcome. Serving others elicits actions motivated by a desired behavior.
  • Pleasing others may not stem from us being our most authentic selves. Serving others requires us to be our most authentic selves. 
  • Pleasing others may not necessarily leave us, or others, feeling empowered. Serving others is all about empowerment.
  • Pleasing others may lead to exhaustion, burn-out, failure. Serving others is invigorating, energizing, inspiring.

Perhaps it’s time to switch the narrative… perhaps it’s time to trump service over pleasing. 

Because so long as we are looking for others’ approval or validation, we will never get it. Whereas if we are truly operating from a place of service, we’ll likely be operating from our most powerful, authentic, bravest selves. And moreover, wanting to serve means we’re dedicated to making a difference… both with the people around us, as well as in the world. 

Perhaps it’s time to re-think. Life is short. Better to spend energy and time with those that already get you, like you, love you. 

Maybe I’m going to have to be okay with the fact my swim coach may not like me. I think I’ll survive. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on those who get me, and those who I want to serve in my life, instead of those I want to please.

So it’s time to get honest. 

Is there a ‘teacher’ in your life that you are trying to please? Perhaps it’s a boss, a parent, a colleague, a sibling, a friend. Are you trying to get them to see you? To give you their approval? To offer validation?  

I want to hear from you in the comments below!

 

Is more, better?

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Happy Friday!

You may recall the story of Oliver Twist.

And more specifically, do you remember the part where young Oliver, still ravished after his first small bowl of oatmeal gruel, innocently asks in his lovely little boy British accent:

“Please, Sir, I want some more…”

Well, he was not met with a positive response, and in fact was thrown out of the workhouse as a result!

Poor guy… (I actually had to refresh my memory with the story, and it turns out because all of the boys were starving, decided they would choose one boy to speak out and ask for seconds… and Oliver was the unlucky winner of the lottery!) 

Now in this case, he wanted more because he was truly starving. 

But why is it we almost always seem to want more?

When is anything ever going to be enough?

And is more even better?

I’m asking myself these same questions as I pose them to you.

Because the truth is, I often find myself with a feeling of wanting more. Or automatically focusing on what I don’t yet have. 

And I know I’m not alone! 

A few days ago I was having a lovely conversation with a special family friend, who is somewhat limited with what she and her husband are able to do, due to the fact he is in a wheelchair. 

And while she was sharing it’s tough not to always be able to do the things she wants to do, not even a moment later she wisely stated:

“But I’m happy with what we have.”

Yes! Gratitude and appreciation for what we actually have right here, right now. It made me smile big. 

A few nights ago I was at a fireside chat for female entrepreneurs. And I had a lovely conversation with one of the panelists – who not only has a very successful business, is also very humble and happens to be a friend and generous mentor. She was wanting to congratulate me on some of the things I’ve been up to recently, to which I replied ‘Yeah, but, I’m not ____  yet. I’m not doing _x_ yet. I haven’t figured out _y_.

She quickly responded by saying, ‘but maybe you have!’ And maybe you do!’ Then she brought up the word insatiable, and began to challenge me on it. 

In a follow up chat, she wisely said it’s okay to be insatiable, ‘just as long as you give yourself permission to live your current life just as it is, just as you are.’ 

WOW. I needed to hear those words. 

I’m aware this idea is not a new one, however it’s an important one.
And as with all important ideas, they deserve repeating in different ways. 

It’s okay to be ambitious. It’s okay to want to grow. It’s okay to have goals.

But not if you can’t also be happy with where you are now.

It’s often too easy and too tempting to look at where we want to be, or what may be missing from where we are, instead of focusing on being grateful and celebrating what we’ve got.

This week I’ve had some pretty big successes, and yet before I really gave myself an opportunity to take them all in, I’m already looking ahead to what’s next!

And how will we ever be truly fulfilled or satisfied if we live that way?!?

More is not always better. 

I think it’s time for a little shift in perspective. 

So, I have a few questions for you to answer this week:

  • When was the last time you made a gratitude list? If you can’t remember the last time, perhaps it’s about time!
  • What is one thing happening in your life right now worth celebrating? 
  • What would it mean to ‘give yourself permission to live your current life just as it is, just as you are?’

I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Perhaps in the case of oatmeal gruel, we would want more (they must have been REALLY hungry!)  

But when it comes to most other things we’re continually chasing, maybe more isn’t always better. 

Have a FAB week!


It’s None Of Your Business!

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Happy Friday!

It’s true, it’s none of your business. 

Not everything of course, but only your business is your business. It’s not everyone else’s business, nor is anyone else’s business your business. 

Allow me to expand. 

So my most recent video was picked up by Power of Positivity and went ‘viral’ – whatever that means. (Well, I guess it means it’s been seen by a lot of people, almost 600,000 so far, and getting lots of shares and comments.) 

Now, many of the messages coming in are lovely. And I have to say after sharing my story pretty darn vulnerably, and then disclosing a few items on my own ‘If I Were Braver…’ list and being very nervous about it to boot, it’s good to know the talk is inspiring others to also be braver. 

And then there are some of the messages that are not so nice.

One of the most recent read: “Wow, she looks a lot older than that, life must’ve been rough on her!” (after I admit in the talk being worried about being single at my age and still wanting to find my match and have babies… so not really what I needed to hear!) 

Now luckily, it only made me laugh when I read it, however nasty comments don’t always float off my back so easily.

And for whatever reason, our human brain is wired to focus on the negative, even if it’s one small negative comment to way more positive!

Why is that?!?

In his best-selling book ‘The Four Agreements’ (great read, by the way…) Don Miguel Ruiz proposes four beneficial agreements that if made for yourself, will have a significant and positive impact on your overall state of well-being. 

While expanding on argument two, ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally,’ he goes on to say what other people think of you is simply none of your business.

And he’s right!

Often easier said than done, of course. 

Yet this is exactly what causes us so much pain!

This week I was listening to an interview with Oprah and Byron Katie, who is the author of a book and philosophy called ‘The Work.’ And one of the topics they were discussing, which really resonated with me at the time, was this whole idea of whose business is whose anyway. 

Katie talks about the three kinds of ‘business’ that exist:

  1. Your business
  2. Other people’s business
  3. God’s business (or the Universe, or a higher power, or whatever you believe…)

She goes on to say your own business is a full time job! And there is no room, and no need, to get into anyone else’s business. And God – is doing what they need to do, and it’s out of your control. 

The idea is that if we only concern ourselves with our own business, we can control what we can control, and change what is no longer working for us. 

All too often the problem lies in wanting to change something that is out of our control. And that is what causes suffering. Yet, we’re bringing it on ourselves.

So, it’s time to stop it!

Here’s the situation that immediately came up for me. 

Sometimes I can be pretty hard on my Dad. 

I want him to eat healthier, be a bit more active, and have commented on more than one occasion on some of his habits. 

It always comes from a place of love, of course, because selfishly I want him around for a long time to come! However, it’s not my job to tell him what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Moreover, whenever I do pipe in, we all lose. He gets frustrated, I get frustrated, and nothing changes anyhow!

And then it dawned on me. 

The choices my Dad makes for himself are simply none of my business!

And suddenly, I felt a wave of relief come over me. 

It’s true, simply taking care of our own business is hard enough! So I am going to stick to that ~ do the best I can to be the best version of me for me ~ and then not worry about anyone else. (Well, at least not too much, anyway!)

I mean, let’s be honest, I’m human and so are you – so it may be a tad more difficult to simply stop caring all together. But perhaps we can start by caring just a little bit less. 

Stop caring about what other people think of you, because it’s actually none of your business. 

And stop trying to change the behaviours of others around you, as again it’s none of your business.

Imagine how freeing it would be to stop caring so much!

So this week, I dare you to get your brāv on, and start caring a whole lot less. 

Let me know in the comments below, one area of your life, or one person in your life, you are going to apply this idea to! I can’t wait to hear all about it. 

Have a FAB week!